I am a 26 male from India. I am extremely psychologically disturbed and don’t know what to do.
In early childhood at the age of around 8 I was introduced to sex by a cousin who was around 15/16. I did not thought much about it then but i engaged in some sexual activities. It did not felt wrong or right at that time because i was just 8. One more cousin did the same with me next year. I did not know if it was wrong or right. Then by teenage i had sexual experiments with two more distant cousins in one of which the other guy initiated but in one case i did. I dont know why i did it but i did.
The experiments ended when i reached 14-15 years of age. After that i locked those memories away and never thought about it.
When i came in college i had a gf whom i dint love nor did i want to be in the relationship with her. I even tld her upfront that i dint want to be with you. But she cried and insisted so much and moreover my friends too pressured me to be with her so i went into the relationship. As soon as college ended i terminated the relationship. After a year i met her again and there was a rebound relationship. After some time it again felt wrong to me so i again broke up with her. This time she attempted suicide and was in ICU for 3 days. her mother threatened police case but nothing happened and i thought to never get in a relation again.
After 3 years i fell for a very nice girl whom i used to know since school days. Everything was good. But once i shifted my room and there was this other girl living beside my room who helped me a lot initially and gave me much attention. I started ignoring my gf and would talk to her. This happened for 10-15 days after which my gf felt something was wrong and i started avoiding her. But once again i talked to her after 4-5 days gap. Then once it so happened that sexual tension arose between us, I hugged her, kissed only gently and when the moment came to advance to the next level, i immediately felt what am i doing and i withdrew myself from the situation and after that i never talked to her again.
This happened around a year ago and about 8 months into the relationship. But already my gf knew something was wrong, she would cry a lot and plead to tell her everything. But i was scared and thought if i tell her she would not believe me and relationship would end. So i kept her circling for 9 months thinking she would forget about it. But then one day it so happened that she said she would leave me so i told her only bits of it and told her nothing happened between me and her.
Over the next few months we would fight a lot and i would always tell her that i never did anything. Also i hadnt told her the whole thing about my ex gf to her that she had attempted suicide. Also once while she was ready to leave me, I told her a little about my childhood that i have been abused in the childhood but i dint tell her the names of those people and the whole thing. After that we w ould always fight about how i never tell her the whole thing about anything. I had lost her trust completely.
One day she was like this is it. Its over. Then desperately to be with her i told her each and everything. Also that i had a consensual casual sexual encounter with two more girls. Told her about the past, childhood everything, the other girl everything. I had never told anyone about those darker times as there is too much stigma attached to sexuality in india.
After that she hated me so much that i couldnt even say. She was mad, stopped talking. called her sister in office whom she lives with asking if she could die. I got scared, i live 250 frm where she is, i immediately booked a cab and went there but by that time i had also called up her sister to go to home and later she found out that my gf was ok. Later in night i talked to her sister and she told me never to contact them again. Again when once i talked to my gf she told me i am the worst person on this planet , i used her physically and mentally and people like me must not exist and many more things.
I never had any bad intensions towards her. I loved her a lot. After the breakup i was so disturbed i started developing personality disorder and blamed it on the other guy inside me. After some days that thing went away. But i cannot bear the guilt of the whole situation. I had always felt lonely my whole life but only when i was with her i felt ok. But now i feel so so lonely like i had never felt before.
I burst into tears every now and then, in room, class, road, anywhere. I dont want to become what i am. I want just a normal life like everyone else. I never intentioned to do anything wrong with her. I had already talked to my parents about her and they were ready. I was going to talk to her parents too but she wont believe even a single word i say. I am just fighting myself from within. What do i do to make my loneliness go away and have a normal mind again? How do i rectify what i wronged to her?