Writing in with your question took courage, and I’m glad that you followed through. It sounds like you are in a lot of emotional pain and are perhaps suffering from clinical depression. It is a real illness and nothing to be ashamed of. You don’t have to keep it a secret, but you do need to take further steps to get treatment.
On one hand, you don’t want to bother your family, but on the other, you are hoping that they notice how miserable you are. It is too dangerous to play this game and you are the only one suffering. You need to take matters into your own hands and see your doctor and/or look into what mental health services are in your area. If you can’t bring yourself to do this on your own, at least confide in one friend or family member and allow them to help you seek out appropriate services. I’m sure your family loves you and wouldn’t want you to be suffering like this if they knew how you really feel. Depression is treatable and you don’t have to continue feeling the way you do. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and once you start addressing the clinical symptoms, you will start feeling better about yourself.
In the meantime, exercise has been shown to be an effective (and natural) treatment, and there are many good self-help books stemming from the cognitive behavioral therapy world that you could be utilizing on your own. Pushing things down and avoiding them isn’t working. It is time to try a different strategy.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts