From the Czech Republic: I am 18 and about to go to university, I have been dating my boyfriend for more than half a year and I am his first girlfriend. We want to continue our relationship in university however his mother is a big problem in our relationship.
Everything was fine at the start of our relationship however in the last two months she started preventing me from staying over and started getting mad at my boyfriend for seeing me, while finally it reached the point where i am banned from their house for good and she insults me to my face. I have tried talking to her but this only worked for a short period of time. She is very overprotective over her son as he is an only child and feels like she is doing it for his own good.
She has repeatedly asked him to break up with me. My boyfriend has tried to talk to her but the problem is he is very quiet and doesn’t know how to argue with people and rather avoids conflict therefore the fights are his mother screaming at him mostly for why shes justified to hate me.
I have a big problem with this as i feel terrible about myself every time i ask my boyfriend to come over to his house and he refuses and feel like i should not be treated this way. He thinks there is nothing to do because he does not know how to convince his mum or how to have her gain respect for him.
I feel like he should be more assertive with her but i don’t know what will happen. This could be a potential break up reason and I really want to avoid that so please could you give me and my boyfriend advice on how to get her to be a bit more accepting of me and my boyfriend’s decision to date me. Thank you very much.
As you pointed out, your boyfriend’s mother is very protective of her son. She may feel that he is too young to be this serious about a girlfriend. When you stay over at his house, you are putting your involvement with him right in her face. It’s too much for her to accept – especially in her home.
You are not going to change the relationship between your boyfriend and his mother. He isn’t ready to make the kind of separation that would be required for him to choose you over her. He is still dependent on her and he loves and respects her. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you.
If you want to win her over, I suggest you take a step back. Don’t insist on being at his house. Date. Go out and do fun things together. Be respectful whenever you see his mother. Show yourself to be a mature and caring person who wants what she wants — what is best for her son. Ultimately, the approval of parents is what most ensures stability in a relationship so it’s important to do everything you can to improve your relationship with his mom.
Soon you will be at university where you both have more freedom to explore your relationship without being under the watchful eyes of your parents. It’s not too long to wait if you want to give your relationship a chance.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Boyfriend’s Mum Hates Me
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Boyfriend’s Mum Hates Me. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 25, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/05/21/my-boyfriends-mum-hates-me/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.