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How Do You Know if You’re Seeing Things Correctly?

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From Ireland: Put simply, my partner feels that any issue we have in our relationship are due to my issues (right now she feels it is passive aggressive / codependence / defensiveness) and though I actually do agree, I feel it also ends up being an excuse for her. I have found some articles which outline exactly how I feel she does act which all say she is ’emotionally abusive’ but I don’t know if this is the case or if it is just me making excuses and “play the victim” as she says I do all the time.

Question is, how can you tell which is true, if both are true or if it is indeed just me being defensive and playing victim?

How Do You Know if You’re Seeing Things Correctly?

Answered by on -


Thanks for your question. Think of relationships as mutually reciprocal. If everything she is saying about you is true, then the question is: Why did she chose you as a partner? We are drawn to someone that looks like a correction but often manifests the very characteristic we are trying to escape. What I am saying is — she is part of the equation. I highly recommend going to a couples counselor to get an outside view of the dynamics. He or she can give you some perspective on how this dance takes place.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

How Do You Know if You’re Seeing Things Correctly?

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). How Do You Know if You’re Seeing Things Correctly?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 21, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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