I don’t have enough information to appropriately assess their relationship but one thing is certain: if you decide to stay in this relationship, you will have to learn to live with his relationship with his mother.
You should never try to change people; he is who he is and his relationship with his mother is as you see it. Like the famous poet and writer Maya Angelou once said “when people show you who they are, believe them.”
In all likelihood, the way they behave together has always been that way and will always be that way. He has to achieve independence on his own; you cannot do it for him. You’re trying to change him and make him more independent is destined for failure.
Naturally, your attempts to change him are upsetting his mother. From your perspective you’re trying to improve his life but that’s likely not how she sees it. From her perspective, she might see you as a meddling intruder, someone who is trying to change her relationship with her son, to take him away from her. To her, you are a negative force in this life. Unless both she and her son see their relationship dynamic as problematic and agree to intensive family therapy to change that dynamic, it’s unlikely to ever change.
Getting to know if someone is a match for you is the purpose of dating. If you don’t like their relationship and do not want to deal with it, then you should leave. You might consider consulting a therapist about this dilemma. They specialize in helping people have healthy and satisfactory relationships. In addition, it is always important to weigh the pros and cons of any major decision. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle