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How Can I Keep My Negative Over-thinking from Ruining My Relationship?

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I met the man of my dreams about 7 months ago. However, I keep breaking up with him for no valid reason. My mind is constantly in a battle with itself. I always feel like someone is going to hurt me and I am extremely guarded. I am fortunate that the man I am seeing seems to understand that I have the issues I have. But I am so tired of hurting him, and it just feels out of my control. I feel like I am incapable of love.

I know you aren’t supposed to dwell on your past, because it doesn’t help your future but my brain seems completely overwhelmed constantly. I have never had a good relationship with a man or anyone for that matter. My dad was a drug addict physically and verbally abused me my entire childhood, he has changed in his older years but we are still not close. My very first boyfriend in high school raped me when I was a virgin and physically abused me. My friends in high school still hung out with him knowing what he did. My next boyfriend of 2 years cheating on me with my best friend. After a lot more mishaps, at age 17 I met a horrible man that would I would later be engaged to and live with for 6 years. A week before our wedding we just stopped seeing each other. Later, I found out he cheated on me with several girls in the area.

My current boyfriend is a med student, which means he can’t constantly give me attention. And that’s when my mind starts to wander. I have tried to quit seeing him for good even though I care about him a lot. Because my overthinking always gets the better of me.

The crazy part is he gets it. He gets that mentally I create negative scenarios and dump him. My question is how do I move on from the constant negative thoughts in my head to enjoy the first healthy relationship I have ever had.

How Can I Keep My Negative Over-thinking from Ruining My Relationship?

Answered by on -


The challenge is to confront these negative thoughts early, as they are emerging, and keep them at bay. I would suggest you use the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page to find someone in your area — particularly someone with a background in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT.)

The issues of abuse stemming from your father and the list of boyfriends is over-influencing your thoughts. When the psyche encounters something different than what it has been used to (a kind and understanding man) it will do everything in its power to rebel. A good therapist can help you unravel these thoughts and get you on the right path.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

How Can I Keep My Negative Over-thinking from Ruining My Relationship?

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). How Can I Keep My Negative Over-thinking from Ruining My Relationship?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 1, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 9 May 2016)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.