My whole life I’ve always planned and worked to be a musical theatre actor. I didn’t get into any good colleges for it and am currently going to a school that is not good in my theatre major and is not the right degree type. I have been very unhappy here, with both the program and the school itself. This year I applied and auditioned for more schools to transfer to and got into a really good school that’s 8 hours away from me. There has always been a part of me that’s doubted whether or not I really want to do musical theatre for my life, but this year that part of me has gotten so much bigger. I’m not passionate about it anymore, and I don’t know if it’s the program or not. The school I’m going to now is 40 mins away from me and I’m able to come home most weekends, but I’ve still had a really hard time adjusting and leaving everything behind. I just miss high school and my friends and my old life when everything was easy and simple. I used to have my whole life planned out but now I just don’t know and can’t see myself doing anything. I tell myself it doesn’t really matter because I’d always planned to kill myself by the time I was 30 anyway. It would be a huge mistake not to go to this school because it’s an amazing opportunity, but I’m afraid I’m making the wrong decision with my life. I also applied to a huge state school that’s 10 mins away from me and I could commute to and 50% of my high school goes to. My parents don’t know about this. They don’t have much of a theatre program at all. I could go there and live at home, but not major in theatre. By going there, though, I would be giving up what I think is my dream and I’m afraid trying to cling too much to my old life. I have 1 month to make this decision, and I’m 99% sure I’m going to go to the school that’s 8 hrs away. I’m so scared though because I don’t even know if that’s what I really want, but I don’t want to throw my life away doing an ordinary everyday job. I just don’t see myself doing anything though. IWantMyOldLifeBackAndIWantToBeAKidAgainAndHangOutWithMyFriendsEveryDayAndNotGrowUpSorryForWritingLikeThisINeededMoreRoom.I’m Afraid I’m Making the Wrong Decision with My Life
I’m Afraid I’m Making the Wrong Decision with My Life
It’s unrealistic to think that you should know what you want to do with the rest of your life at 18 years old. You’re putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. Anyone who held these self-imposed, rigid standards about their life and career would feel equally as stressed.
You have placed an arbitrary deadline on yourself. You should be open-minded and mentally flexible in your approach to deciding your career. You should be taking classes and talking to people who work in different fields to see what interests you. Job shadowing would be a good idea. You should be meeting with career counselors and even a therapist to discuss these issues.
A therapist could be especially useful because of the pressure you feel to make these decisions. He or she could help you think through the logic of your decision-making process. It’s unhealthy for you to be thinking in such black and white terms.
It’s also concerning that you are planning to commit suicide by the age of 30. It’s a very unnatural way of thinking. It would suggest a high degree of unhappiness.
The bottom line is this: the pressure you’re feeling is self-imposed. It is unnecessary and unhealthy and psychotherapy could help you change your attitude and thus improve your life. The fact that you’re considering suicide would suggest you might be depressed, but this is something that would be determined by your therapist. I hope you will consider counseling. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle