I think some things are wrong with me, but due to insurance issues we never could quite afford a psychiatrist. I’ve been to rehab a few times, and I did get to see one there, but the doctor only came in once a week for one hour, in those four months, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Bulimia, Depression, and anxiety. Which was a lot to take in, since it was rehab and state paid, the meds weren’t that great. I fear there is more wrong with me and I have tried to tell my mum about what happens but she just kinda pushes it under the rug.
I will explain now some of the things I feel…
– I for some reason don’t have a conscience, now, I don’t particularly get the urge to hurt animals or people, but I don’t really get sad when it happens. I don’t feel anything when I do something wrong, I wonder why that is. It’s like I can’t feel guilty. It just doesn’t exist. I started doing heroin to deal with things when I was seventeen. I’ve stolen from places and people and now sober I still don’t care.
– I often feel spacey, like I’m here but I’m not. I can listen to you and respond but It’s not me because I often don’t remember.
And sometimes I will be in my room and when I come out of a trance I realize its been anywhere from hours and hours, to days.
– Some lucky random days I’ suddenly happy, like today so I’m writing about it before it ends. but other days I snap and I’m violent and angry, almost exclusively to myself. sometimes I cut myself really bad but I don’t remember doing it when I come to.
– Random bouts of anxiety where I can’t even go into a gas station and pay for gas or cigarettes alone.
That’s like the worse of it and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this???I Was Diagnosed Bipolar But I Fear that There Is More Wrong with Me
I Was Diagnosed Bipolar But I Fear that There Is More Wrong with Me
Your symptoms include elements of disassociation. There seems to be multiple instances where you become emotionally detached or otherwise not conscious of your behavior. That’s possibly the result of drug use or a dissociative disorder (or both). People with dissociative disorders often have histories of trauma. There is a strong link between dissociative experiences and people who have experienced trauma.
You would likely benefit from both psychotherapy and medication. You mentioned in your letter you can’t afford a psychiatrist, but maybe you can through the assistance of your local community mental health center.
You might also try calling the phone number on the back of your insurance card to determine if your provider includes psychiatry visits in your coverage. In all likelihood they do, but each plan is different. You might also try contacting your local health department to inquire about what services are available in the community. Local teaching universities can be a source of mental health treatment. Sometimes, they offer free mental health services in exchange for participation in their studies.
Your symptoms can improve with treatment. It might take some time to find the right treatment, but you shouldn’t give up. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle