Your symptoms include elements of disassociation. There seems to be multiple instances where you become emotionally detached or otherwise not conscious of your behavior. That’s possibly the result of drug use or a dissociative disorder (or both). People with dissociative disorders often have histories of trauma. There is a strong link between dissociative experiences and people who have experienced trauma.
You would likely benefit from both psychotherapy and medication. You mentioned in your letter you can’t afford a psychiatrist, but maybe you can through the assistance of your local community mental health center.
You might also try calling the phone number on the back of your insurance card to determine if your provider includes psychiatry visits in your coverage. In all likelihood they do, but each plan is different. You might also try contacting your local health department to inquire about what services are available in the community. Local teaching universities can be a source of mental health treatment. Sometimes, they offer free mental health services in exchange for participation in their studies.
Your symptoms can improve with treatment. It might take some time to find the right treatment, but you shouldn’t give up. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle