Anything can become an addiction if it is gratifying, especially if it is experienced as intensely so. It seems that many years ago, you discovered that it relieved your anxiety to think you had a way out of distress by suicide. Thinking about it, reading about it and planning it gave you a way to distract yourself from whatever was giving you stress until you calmed down enough to actually deal with it. If you couldn’t, you then went back to thinking about a way out.
So far, you’ve managed to pull back from actual suicide. But I’m concerned that there may come a day when your distress is such that you don’t recognize the danger. Not having found other ways to cope, your only recourse is to get even more serious about suicide. That’s how “accidental suicides” happen.
I hope you will consider seeing a therapist to help you learn other powerful ways to manage stress. Recent studies in mindfulness have provided new techniques for self-soothing and managing challenging life events. Please bring your letter and this response with you to the first appointment. It will help immediately focus your treatment.
I wish you well.