From the U.S.: I’m a 20 year-old female, and in the past I was on the promiscuous side. My downfall started when I was 16, and was coerced into having sex with a 20-year-old guy I wasn’t even into. From there I had several more casual encounters. I acted like I wanted it, and was proud of “being a slut”, but to be honest I died a little on the inside every time.
At 18 I was in a casual relationship that started from one such hookup. At that point I was still deep in denial over enjoying sex. This issue, combined with my partner’s drug problems, led to the relationship turning emotionally abusive.
I got out of that relationship in the end. A couple times after I tried to have a couple more random hookups, but couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than kissing, as I’d realized that I honestly didn’t enjoy it that much. I would rather have not even made an attempt, but I also couldn’t bring myself to just say “no.”
This past semester, I was sort-of sexually assaulted at a party. I tried to say no–but the party was at an outdoor weekend event with a group I hadn’t known that long, and the perp’s car was where I’d planned on sleeping that night (I know, stupid decision). I decided to go along with it, so I could at least make sure we used a condom. During the same time period, my oldest friend (we’d known each other for 7 years) started touching me inappropriately, and bribed me to have a threesome with his girlfriend. I ended that friendship, and drank an entire bottle of cherry wine to “symbolically restore my virginity.”
Things were looking up for a while, after I accepted that I just didn’t want sex, period. I suspected that I was asexual for a while, but had a ton of doubt about it considering my history, even if I hated every second of it (and I was doing the sex thing all wrong anyway).
Very recently I was introduced to a new guy, and we hit it off, and went out on a date this past weekend. We really click, but I’m absolutely terrified of getting physical. Partly because of terrible experiences, and I’m also afraid to find out that I won’t enjoy sex even in a relationship.
Why am I like this?