From the U.S.: I’ve had extreme depressive lows with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with anxiety as well as depression when I was 16. On my 18th birthday my boyfriend slept with my best friend, but I stayed with him. He became very emotionally abusive towards me and I lost all my friends. I was more depressed than I had ever been in my life. We broke up right before I moved out of state for school. I was still suicidal and started drinking, doing drugs, and having casual sex very frequently. I failed most of my classes. I got a therapist who diagnosed me with ADD.
Then I moved across the country again. I’m doing a lot better in school now that I’m on Adderall. But I haven’t made a single friend in my new town, and I spend every day sitting on my couch on the internet. This winter, I got really depressed again and I haven’t really gotten out of it. I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide, though I’ve never come up with a plan.
I’m seeing a therapist and we talk a lot about my past traumas, but things have only been getting worse. This past week I started feeling suicidal, and suddenly I got into this weird trance where I felt like my body was far away, or I was seeing from the back of my mind. I’ve had this sort of feeling before, but it’s never been this strong and sudden. Ever since then, I’ve had a hard time falling asleep, I can’t get any work done, and I feel like I’m in a dream. I feel numb emotionally, and I keep noticing my fingers feel cold or numb. I also keep thinking more time has gone by than it has. I feel like I’m “looping” where I get stuck on a train of thought and can’t break out of it. I keep forgetting about things I need to do, even in the midst of doing them. It’s lasted for days now. Nothing feels real, and I’m really scared.
Is this depersonalization/derealization? Is it normal to experience this out of nowhere, long after a traumatic experience? How do I get past this to continue on with my life? I was doing so well, I don’t want to throw away my progress.