Six months ago I went on a camp with some friends. I slept with one of my best friends which was in a long-lasting relationship. We both enjoyed it and wanted to continue with that. We both knew it was a bad and immoral thing, but the pleasure was above all the morality. But I started to fall madly in love with him. Every time I saw him, touched him, kissed him I was feeling so good and appreciated. Nobody ever has given me a feeling like that. And we did not have a single quarrel in all this time. Everything was perfect except the fact that he was cheating on his girlfriend with me and our relationship was a secret. But he started to feel guilty about this relationship about a month ago and wanted to break up with me. I could not stand such a thing and I asked him to give me another chance to make him forget his girlfriend. It did not work out. He is trying to convince me that he is not the right person for me and he is in love with his girlfriend, although he tells me “I love you” every day. I am trying to be the perfect girlfriend for him and do anything he asks, but he still loves the other one more. What can I do to have him? Or should I forget him? I can’t forget him because I love him so much. He is my first true love. I can’t let this behind. (age 20, from Romania)
A: I’m sorry that you are hurting so much about the situation, and even though you won’t ever forget the special time that you had with this friend, you do need to find a way to move on. You describe it as the perfect relationship, but it was flawed from the beginning because he was not really available and the relationship was a secret. Rarely do these turn out well.
He has made his choice. He may love you, but he wants to stay with his girlfriend. There is nothing you can do about that at this point. I would suggest that you take some time to heal and limit contact with him, even as a friend, so you can move on, reconnect with yourself and give yourself the chance to find someone else. The first time we fall in love with someone is always special and you can keep the memories forever. However, that does not mean that it is necessarily the person you are meant to be with forever.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts
I Am in a Relationship that Hurts Me
Holly Counts, Psy.D.
Dr. Holly Counts is a licensed Clinical Psychologist. She utilizes a mind, body and spirit approach to healing. Dr. Counts received her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Wright State University and her Masters and Doctoral degrees in Clinical Psychology from Nova Southeastern University. Dr. Counts has worked in a variety of settings and has specialized in trauma and abuse, relationship issues, health psychology, women’s issues, adolescence, GLBT, life transitions and grief counseling. She has specialty training in guided imagery, EMDR, EFT, hypnosis and using intuition to heal. Her current passion involves integrating holistic and alternative approaches to health and healing with psychology.
APA Reference Counts, H. (2018). I Am in a Relationship that Hurts Me. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/02/24/i-am-in-a-relationship-that-hurts-me/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 24 Feb 2016) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.