There so much I can talk but I can’t as it would end up being a whole article, nor do I know how to explain everything.
I am tired with my life as I am a failure, that it’s over but can only go downhill slowly from now on.
I’m unemployed (4 ½ months now) currently looking for work that my university degree won’t help much. Not much luck with interviews and only have a few months of contract and basic volunteering.
I feel trapped in my parents’ house as I have been living in my box for ~11 years. I get these “denial of failure” panic thrashing when I try to sleep or just end up crying for 20 minutes. I feel so fatigued for what feels like years now.
What gets to me the most is that I am isolated; I am lonely as I have no close friends to go out with and be away from family members. I even dream to be in a relationship, even though I know I am not ready I still hope that maybe I will be lucky. Yet I fully know that this will never happen due to being a failure, nor will I find “the best” match, nor have the courage to do it and I just know I would fail at that too for various reasons.
I can never feel relaxed or content with life since primary school; I do miss those days as I somehow manage to make 3-4 friends without even worrying. I feel like my young life is hollow and empty, which will affect me forever.
All of this is resulting to problem, one of which is sensitive to talk about but can consider it an escalating addiction I try to fight (this can get concerning at rare occasions).
I have tried solving my problems or seeking answers/assistance; went through assessment with UK’s NHS iTalk and after stressful months they eventually place me on their “forever” waiting list.
I did cbt during university focusing on social anxiety, but still feels like a struggle. I try keeping to a year planner but that starts to become difficult as well.
I am looking into volunteering but again, I am a coward or just unlucky. I do want to look into counseling (donation/payed) but feel I would waste money I need and don’t want family to find out.