You have already started by writing in with your question, but it is important that you do more by getting some professional help. I’m very concerned that you have attempted suicide and want you to call your local crisis line or go to the closest hospital if you feel that you might try to harm yourself again.
It is unfortunate that your brother lost his friends once he was diagnosed with cancer, but this can be a complicated situation. Yes, it can make some folks uncomfortable and they don’t know how to handle it, but on the other hand, your brother could have pushed them away, and you and your father were not aware of that piece. Nonetheless, that is your brother’s story, not yours, and I am sorry for your loss.
You have done your best to push people away in the past, but you no longer want to be this way. Only you can change your life. It is difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, but it is also the only way to form genuine relationships. At some level you have to trust someone in order to find out if they are trustworthy. And I can tell you that it is much less painful to let a few relationships/friendships go than to not have any at all.
Do yourself (and your cat) a favor and begin taking some chances. Look for new friends, join social clubs, and generally step outside of your comfort zone by letting others in. Meanwhile, find a therapist to help you with this process, as well as to heal from the past.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts