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Irrational Fear of Boyfriend Hurting our Daughter

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Alright, so this is kinda hard for me to admit but I have this horrifying fear of my boyfriend molesting our daughter. It has gotten so bad that he and any of his friends have never been allowed to be alone with her.

I don’t restrict him or his friends from touching her or holding her or anything like that, I just need to be in the room when it happens. He’s never changed her diaper or bathed her, I even sleep in the nursery with her because I don’t want to leave her alone or vulnerable and have something happen while I’m asleep. (The nursery has one of those beds with the crib attached to the side so she’s close.) My boyfriend is starting to get frustrated with me which I completely understand.

I honestly don’t know how this started, I had no fears or anxiety like this before the baby or even during my pregnancy.

But for some reason the minute I first saw him holding our daughter in the hospital room something just shifted in me. Maybe something was triggered when he called our daughter a ‘good girl’ which was what my molester always called me.

Deep down, I honestly don’t believe that he would hurt her but since I was molested by someone close (I had baby cousins that were molested too by their father’s friend.) and I think I’m putting my own fears onto my relationship.

I have never told him about me being molested, I’ve never told anyone actually.

I think I just have a fear and mistrust of father figures or males in general that I don’t categorize as ‘safe’. I don’t have any of these worries with my male friends, one of them has even kept her all night and I didn’t feel any anxiety towards it.

I’m just terrified that if it did happen, she wouldn’t tell anyone the same way I did.

I won’t tell anyone what happened to me, my molester is out of my mine and my family’s life and my daughter will never meet him so that’s enough.

But I would love some advice on what I can do to help with my fears, I would be willing to go to a therapist and talk with them but I’m not sure if it is the right choice.

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.EvieLuna

Irrational Fear of Boyfriend Hurting our Daughter

Answered by on -

A.

Thank you for your question. I am very glad that you are reaching out and asking because talking about your experience will be an important vehicle for healing. Your early trauma with your molester is coloring the way you look at thinking and feeling. I’m not suggesting that all of your concerns are unfounded or not important. But I am proposing that you’re heightened vigilance and concern should be checked. I am encouraging you to seek out a specialist in recovery from early sexual trauma. The Find Help tab at the top of this page can help you find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Irrational Fear of Boyfriend Hurting our Daughter

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Irrational Fear of Boyfriend Hurting our Daughter. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/02/15/irrational-fear-of-boyfriend-hurting-our-daughter/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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