Thank you for writing in with your question and reaching out for some help. However, this problem is more complicated than what an advice column can offer. I would suggest that you find a local therapist to work with on your anger and self-hatred.
I’m glad that your feelings have not caused you to harm yourself or others, and it seems that you have even identified some benefits to the way you feel, in that it pushes you to “do better,” but overall it sounds like you are fairly miserable. You don’t have to go on living this way. Help is available. If you have health insurance you can get a list of local providers from them. If not, seek out your area’s community mental health center or student counseling center (if you are in college). You took the first step by writing in, now it’s time to take the next one by connecting with a professional.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts