I’m so very sorry that you’ve been through so much and that you continue to be in major distress. It may be that you don’t feel traumatized because you are psychologically protecting yourself from having the feelings. That’s what the people who are helping you mean when they tell you that your memories (and probably the feelings that went with them) are in your subconscious. Your visits to imaginary worlds and your imaginary friends are likely another way your system is protecting you.
Although losing time as you do and feeling like there are others in your head who talk to you or who make you do things are symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), I don’t have enough information to make a diagnosis. I trust that the mental health professionals who know you well can answer your question. Even more importantly, they can help you recover from trauma and become the girl you are meant to be.
I’m glad you are in treatment. You know that your “episodes” and your impulses to kill your mum or yourself aren’t normal. You know you need help to feel in charge of yourself. Your letter shows me that you are intelligent, curious and sensitive. Those are important ingredients for success in treatment.
I urge you to be an active member of your treatment team. Your therapists depend on you to be as honest as you can with them and to share all of your thoughts and feelings — even when they don’t make much sense to you; especially when they don’t make sense to you. Therapists can’t read your mind or your heart so your reports are a key part of your treatment. With time and work, you and your team can get you back on track to be a normal teen with just normal teen prolems.
I wish you well.