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I Think I Have a Problem

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Hi, I am a 14 year old girl, and I think I may have a problem.
It all revolves around my father. When my mother was eight months pregnant, she discovered that my father was cheating on her, and the other woman was pregnant too. My mother gave birth to me and asked him to come back, but he decided to remain with the other woman and marry her. After that, my mother married my second father, who was a drunkard.

When I was 7, they divorced. I took the divorce very well, I understood I was never going to see him again and I didn’t care. At that time I also think I started to masturbate (but I never had sex).

Everything went down after that. I met my real father and felt like trash. Not only once, I felt like twice my father abandoned me. I started to hit myself until I got bruises and tell my mother that I fell. I couldn’t understand why he chooses the child in that woman’s belly and not me.

Was I not good enough? Was I ugly? Is it because that child was a boy and I was a girl? I hated everyone and I couldn’t understand how my mother could love me. Wasn’t she always reminded of the betrayal when she looked at me? But that was then.

Now I keep telling myself that I don’t need anyone.

Also, father keeps visiting me and I don’t understand why. He already has a family. I can never confront him because that would mean admitting that I care. I know that what he did hurt me, but I don’t want him to know, and I won’t talk whit my mother since it would hurt her.
My mother told me that my father loves me, but he never said that. The problem is that every time I am with him my heart beats faster and I become the shyest person on earth.

I found out that I have a deep thirst for love; I want to be loved, although I never show it since it’s a weakness.

Even though I want to be loved, I don’t really know how that emotion feels. My mother always says she loves me, but I can never say, me too” (or maybe I’m just too shy). I always try to not get attached to others. (From Romania)

I Think I Have a Problem

Answered by on -

A.

You’ve been protecting yourself with good reason for a very long time. Wanting to be loved but guarding against it makes perfect sense. It wasn’t safe enough for you to let your guard down in your family, so every loving move toward you by your father is going to be met with ambivalence.

It might work for you to build friendships. To find people that you feel are a good fit with you and work on building a trusting relationship together. In other words—don’t look to your family for the love you want — you can find very deep meaningful healthy relationships with others.

I’d start building relationships you can believe in with people who want to make the connection with you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Think I Have a Problem

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). I Think I Have a Problem. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/02/01/i-think-i-have-a-problem/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.