You may not be doing everything you can to help yourself. You seem to have essentially given up. The evidence? You choose not to have friends because of your anxiety. You could have friends, but you’d rather not because you consider your anxiety to be insurmountable. You are thus making a choice, the wrong choice in my opinion.
Anxiety is unpleasant, but it’s not insurmountable. No one likes unpleasant emotions, but avoidance only makes them worse. Avoidance reinforces and increases your anxiety and the stranglehold it has upon your life. Instead of choosing to avoid unpleasant emotions, choose to endure them and learn to work through them. In concrete terms, that means having friends even if the thought of interacting with them frightens you. If you face the problems that frighten you, rather than run from them, those problems will eventually not frighten you. With the assistance of a competent therapist to guide you through the process, you can prevail.
Anxiety and depression are highly treatable disorders. You should never stop searching for help until you find a treatment that works. It is especially important to find help because of your suicidal ideation. When someone is suicidal, it’s evidence of their suffering.
Regarding your parents, it is true that they will eventually die. Everyone who walks the earth will eventually die, but while we are here we must make the best of our time. You mustn’t allow it to be a torture. With therapy it needn’t be that way. There are many support groups and counselors that can assist you.
Call 5 to 10 therapists and speak to them over the phone. Choose the one with whom you feel the strongest connection. You might also try connecting with friends and family, members of clergy or anyone else who you think could help. Don’t stop trying until you find relief.
Finally, you might also try reading the book The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by M. Scott Peck. He discusses many of these issues in his book and provides suggestions for solutions. You might find it beneficial. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle