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I Do Not Understand Myself & It Is Slowly Killing Me

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Lately I have been extremely unhappy for no apparent reason. I feel empty almost all the time. It is like nothing can give me genuine joy anymore. I also feel alone a lot, even though I do have friends and close friends. Whenever I try to imagine my future all I see is one full of obstacles. I have become so consumed in sadness and I do not know how to deal anymore. I feel so confused and I do not understand myself anymore.

I am a naturally quiet person and have always struggled in making new friendships for as long as I can remember. I am currently in my third semester of university and I have not been able to make any friends, just acquaintances. The only friends I have are the ones from high school and even those friendships are not going well. I guess this all has to do with my deep sense of sadness but the thing is as much as I wish to meet new people I have no drive in me to do so. I am missing this lack of drive to do anything with my life. There is so much I want to do but at the same time I don’t want to.

It has been getting worse. Lately I find myself practically begging God that something bad would happen to me. I imagine myself in horrible situations and at times feel bummed out when I evade them. I sometimes find myself imagining all the possibly terrible things that could happen to me. It is not like I want to die, I would never attempt suicide, but like I said, I just want something bad to happen to me. I used to be the kind of person who could never comprehend people who self-harm but today I get strong urges to do it. I have not been through any traumatic experiences, nothing that could possibly justify my thoughts and feelings, but I still feel and think them.

I do not understand myself. I do not understand what is going on. What is wrong with me? Is this depression?

I Do Not Understand Myself & It Is Slowly Killing Me

Answered by on -


You might have depression. The best way to know with certainty is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. An evaluation can determine a diagnosis and the best course of treatment.

Many people with depression feel the way you do. They don’t have the energy or the happiness they once had. They don’t want to die, but they don’t want to live either. Life can feel like a chore, each day more of a struggle than the last. And just like you, the cause of their increasing unhappiness is not evident to them. Nor is the solution.

That’s why consulting a therapist is of paramount importance. Therapy can correct whatever is wrong so that it is no longer disrupting your life. With the assistance of a competent therapist and a dedication to treatment, you should expect a positive outcome.

Therapy is an effective treatment for most mental health problems, but many people also benefit from medication. You can discuss these options with a mental health professional, should you decide to consult one. I hope that you will. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I Do Not Understand Myself & It Is Slowly Killing Me

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). I Do Not Understand Myself & It Is Slowly Killing Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 20 Jan 2016)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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