My husband and I met in 2006 and married in 2010. In 2011 we decided to take the spontaneous leap to move to a big city which was always a huge dream of mine. The agreement was we’d live there 3-5 years and if we didn’t like it we’d leave. Without jobs we started our new adventure. I ended up falling in love with the city and landing a job that I felt proud of, with excellent benefits to boot. In 2014 we had our first child together after a rough pregnancy where i was mostly confined at home sick. Sometime in 2014 it was decided we were going to move back to our home state (a state i never missed or wanted to go back to) after doing some math and realizing it would be more affordable to raise a child. Throughout that year i expressed that I really didnt want to go back, that i loved where i was, etc. His reply back was always that he wanted to go back to warmer weather (he hated the cold), a place where we had friends and was more affordable. Admittedly he did angrily say on multiple occassion that we could stay – but i knew that he didnt want to. I felt guilty keeping him and also didnt want to deal with someone miserable with their situation. We easily landed jobs back in our home state before we moved back and i thought to myself maybe this was a sign.
Just shy of 3 years and a promotion we moved back to our home state in March and I have been depressed ever since!! I am SO angry that we left where we were. Things were great where we were IMO. I was so angry that I felt like i became a different person. He offered to move back to the city – but i just couldn’t/can’t. I feel so angry that i was uprooted and left my job and spent money to leave a place i didn’t want. The part that pisses me off the most was that after we left he had the nerve to say he didn’t appreciate what he had there and that he missed it. I find myself constantly throwing this in his face even though i know he is sorry. How can I move past this?
Let’s back up a bit. I understand the feelings part, but let’s reframe what has happened. First of all, you both agreed to move to the city to try it out and then re-evaluate in 3-5 years. That is EXACTLY what you committed to and promised each other — and exactly what you did. You got what you always dreamed of and now it was your husband’s turn to try and realize his dream. You moved and then found out together that the city was best for both of you. You BOTH got to test out your dreams and you BOTH came to the conclusion that the city is the better choice.
You agreed to re-evaluate with your husband after 3-5 years. Both of you were willing to sacrifice for the other, and both of you — out of love — decided to make your moves.
While it didn’t happen seamlessly the plan has left you both on the same page, with the same desire and the same goal. Now you have a choice. Do you want to wallow around in the past with a resentment? Or celebrate your committed choice and future? You made your choices with your husband every step of the way. He didn’t force you. Now you are both ready to create the life you want. Put the emphasis on the future by realizing you were equally responsible for the process.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Resentful about Move. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2016/01/10/resentful-about-move/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 10 Jan 2016) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.