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Is My Boyfriend Gay?

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From Turkey: Back in July I met a guy through a friend. He found me through my friend’s Facebook page. After 2 weeks he wanted to become a couple. He seemed to rush things. He invited me to a wedding on the 10th day of our relationship, wanted to go on holiday with me and talked to his mother and sister about me. Then he inteoduced me to his friends. I thought such things were too premature at this early stage. In the meantime, I had a feeling like he had no relationship before and that I was his first girlfriend.

In the first month of our relationship he seemed so much in love with me, he would text me all day although he was at work. At week 3, he wanted to have sex, but I told him it’s too early. He first got disappointed and asked if I don’t want him and we are both above 30 years old. I explained him that I want it to be special and not in rush. He understood.

In the beginning of September he got distant with me. He stopped texting like he used to do and he stopped calling. But every time we got together, he still seemed so much in love with me. In mid-September he wanted to organize a holiday with me for the end of September. A night before our holiday we got intimate again and I asked him if we could wait until our holiday one more night. I wanted our first time to be in a very romantic atmosphere. He understood and we cuddled.

I need to say that his penis was very small, 7 cm when erected and it has always been a question mark for me. But I have never mentioned about it and he didn’t seem to care either. On our holiday, I wanted to have sex but he opened his eyes with fear and told me it is too early for sex and we don’t know each other yet. He even didn’t undress me. He said dry sex is pleasant too. The second night we slept without even dry sex. A week after the holiday, he broke up with me via text message saying he doesn’t love me anymore. But a night before, he wanted to see me and he seemed so much in love.

I am clueless.
Thanks for the help.

Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Answered by on -


I’m sure this is very confusing and disappointing. Nothing you have said tells me anything about his sexual orientation. His penis size is irrelevant. His behavior with you could be caused by many things. My only guess is that he may be in some kind of approach/avoidance tension with love and sex.

Your story reminds me of teenagers who want so much to be in love and to have sex but who are, at the same time, terrified of both. His behavior makes a kind of sense if his interest in you was his first attempt at a relationship or if he has had a number of failed relationships.

The only way to know for sure is to ask him. If you can be curious and not take whatever he says as a personal rejection, you have little to lose by asking him what happened. But if your feelings are still raw, it may be better for you to remind yourself that his pursuit seemed too fast from the start and that this gentleman has too many problems to be a partner for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Is My Boyfriend Gay?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 5, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 8 Jan 2016)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.