I’ve always had problems with self-esteem, my weight, just me as a person in general. I grew up with only my mother and the times i spent with my father didn’t go well. He was abusive and strict and where i am from, there are no laws against beating children so there was nothing i could do to help myself. My mother had no problem with the way my father treated me because to her “he must have done it for a good reason” and she is very strict too (i wasn’t allowed outside, no friends over, nothing but school work, etc).
I started self harm at 15. I’ve been baker acted twice (self harm and overdose), i have been sexually abused from ages 10 to 14 by several people. i think these things might have some lasting effects.
I realize i almost never smile or laugh anymore, i started shutting myself in my room, i no longer want to go to school, i don’t want to interact with anyone at all, i have no friends neither did i try to make any, my grades have plummeted, i find it hard to remember anything from my past (aside from flashbacks), i despise physical contact (it takes a lot out of me to hug or shake hands with anyone), i have instances where, for example, i would remember waking up and eating breakfast and watching a movie but then i find myself sitting by the pool watching the sun set with no idea how i got there, i think I’m hearing voices, I’m seeing things that aren’t there, when I’m alone i start talking to myself and i find it hard to stop, i have become very obsessive about losing weight and even started throwing up after eating sometimes starving myself, i feel… detached sometimes like I’m not in control of what i am doing, severe mood swings, aggressive thoughts, increased paranoia, i catch myself speaking really fast or muttering incoherent things too.
I highly doubt these things are normal and everyone I have tried to talk to says it’s all in my head. I have tried speaking to my mother but she doesn’t believe me, my therapist is a waste of my mother’s money. I need to know what is going on with me… if something is really wrong or t is all just in my head.