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How Do I Deliberately Lower Male Libido?

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From Switzerland: My wife of 30+ years has ‘come out’ to her self and to me as an asexual lesbian. Our low-sex marriage has become a no-sex one. The only way that I can see us remaining happily married is if I become as asexual as she is. So how can I work at reducing my male libido?

How Do I Deliberately Lower Male Libido?

Answered by on -


It’s admirable that you are willing to do so much to stay happily married. However, lowering your libido is only one solution to the problem.

Although you don’t share a great deal in your letter, my sense is that you and your wife haven’t been comfortable with sexual intimacy for some time. Your wife has reached the conclusion that she is asexual and not attracted to men. Perhaps. But there may be another explanation. She may be naming the problem in a way that avoids assigning any guilt or blame to you. It may be a way for her to avoid her discomfort with sex. Since you are both in your 60s, she may have decided she doesn’t want to continue dealing with an issue that has made her uncomfortable, sad or in pain for a long time. She may want to stay in the marriage as your good friend without having to be intimate.

Of course, I can’t know without talking to the two of you. But before you do anything drastic medically to change your sexual appetite, I do think you need to have a more complete understanding about what has happened to the intimacy in your marriage.

I hope you will see a local therapist to explore this further.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

How Do I Deliberately Lower Male Libido?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). How Do I Deliberately Lower Male Libido?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 25, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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