From Japan: Lately, I have lost interest in everything. I go to the gym, meet my friends, write stories, watch movies, go on dates, play games–basically, things that should trigger some emotions in me.
Except I feel nothing. I think of them as something as a black-and-white movie, things I should do to have a “normal” life. Most of my friends are unaware, because I’m able to manipulate my expressions according to the situations.
I feel sad because I cannot feel. It makes me feel isolated, even from my bestfriend. She tells me, “I know how you feel. I’ve been there before.” but it just makes me feel even more isolated. I no longer talk to her about it.
I go on romantic dates, but I couldn’t care less. I know from the start I won’t feel anything anyway. When I receive love letters from them, I feel no compassion, no empathy. They are attracted to someone without a soul.
I’m starting to wonder if I’ll find peace in death instead. I know I won’t kill myself, because I have friends and family who will cry over me (again, this is not compassion, but something spurred by moral conscience). I feel more peaceful when thinking about death, and I feel disappointed every time I wake up alive.
When my best friend talks about her problems, I want so much to sympathize and empathize, but I can’t. Sometimes, I avoid her on purpose. It gnaws at me that I cannot relate to her anymore.
I feel detached in general. Parties / social events make me feel depressed and anxious. Romantic attachments make me feel indifferent.
The only thing I’m looking forward to is death, and it worries me at times that I won’t be able to fight off this urge anymore.
What’s wrong with me?