advertisement
Home » Ask the Therapist » My Mom Hates Me

My Mom Hates Me

Asked by on with 1 answer:

From the U.S.: me and my mom had a big blow up fight at few years ago. She lost her house and a lot of my family members took advantage of her. She wanted me to stop talking to all of them but I was only 17 and really wanted my family to be nice. So I basically chose them over her for about two years. Me and my mom still kept in contact. She even has lived with me at one point or another. But over the years she has told me she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me. But, right after she says it she’ll go about her business as if nothing ever happened.

I’ve apologized over the years for believing them over her and have even taken the nessesary steps to stop all contact with them. I thought me doing that, she would forgive me and me and her and my sister could all be happy again. My mom has been living with me for about six months because she had a stroke. But got the ok to continure her life about two months ago.

My husband doesn’t want her living with us unless she absolutely has to. Because she makes me feel so guilt and ashamed for talking to them (even though it’s been over four years). When I try to encourage her to move out and start her life again, she thinks i’m being rude or nasty, which I am in no way trying to do. Today she told me she has been mourning me over the years because when she does move out she is never going to talk to me again. This is probably the third of fourth time I’ve heard this but it breaks my heart so bad because she tells me that and then pretends nothing has happened. and then gets upset when I get upset.

I can’t bring myself to stop talking to her because she is my mom and I love her, but I can feel the damage she is doing to me and I know that she is making me feel horrible about something I can’t change on purpose. She doesn’t like me. the only reason why she is living with me is because my sister is close by. she doesn’t understand how bad she is hurting me and when I try to explain it just makes it worse.

My Mom Hates Me

Answered by on -

A.

Please stop beating yourself up over this. You don’t have to choose between your mom and the rest of the family. At 22, you are not dependent on her. You are an adult and are entitled to make your own decisions about who you want to relate to. Staying connected to other family members in no way diminishes your relationship with your mother.

Please consider that your mother may be fearful of living on her own again following a stroke. Instead of facing her fears, she is trying to avoid them by manipulating you into letting her stay. It’s sad that she was taken advantage of by people she maybe thought loved her. It’s possible that she doesn’t trust anyone now (including you) and protects herself by manipulating you to get what she needs.

It’s also possible that at least some of her behavior could be a result of Transient Ischemic Attacks (TIAs). Sometimes called mini-strokes, these can go on before someone has a full stroke. Changes in mood and behavior occur depending on where there was damage to the brain before her full stroke. Please talk to the doctor about her behavior and ask if there may be a medical reason for her apparent paranoia and how she forgets hateful things she says. If so, you need to explore housing and services that will help her live on her own.

If there is no medical reason, then your mother is a sad person who has created unnecessary and painful strife with her daughters. In that case, please listen to your husband. No matter what you do, you can’t do enough to make your mother “forgive” you because forgiveness isn’t the issue. It’s about control. You won’t be able to reason her out of her opinions or win her love by continuing to give in to her. Sadly, asking your husband to live with this may be damaging the marriage.

If she is healthy, you are not being nasty to tell a nasty person she has to leave. Give her a moving date. You may have to do the legwork to find her a place to live to get her to go. Whenever she says something hurtful, do not reason, fight, or express your frustration. Simply say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and go back to planning for her departure.

Many people do not get the parents they needed or deserve. Readers of this column will recognize that situations like yours are often the topic of letters. That doesn’t make it less painful for you, I know. But perhaps knowing that will help you pull back from her without feeling guilty.

Some people need to make a chosen family to fill the very human need for connection with the older generation. Do consider ways you might get to know some older, wiser women who can enrich your life and become mother-figures for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Mom Hates Me

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Mom Hates Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/12/18/my-mom-hates-me-2/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.