Hello, We got married 4 months ago. My husband is currently living in another country but will come home soon (few months). We have always lived in different countries but we know each other from childhood. He emails me every day an average of 5 times per day and with lots of love words (sometimes even more times, unless he has something important to do…then he won’t email me for hours). Even though it is not common, it bothers me when it happens because I always find a time to email him when I am busy (he can’t even say “I love you”). I do not think it is that much time consuming. The most he has taken to email me has been about 10 hours.
We used to chat occasionally at nights but I have an exam coming up and I told him I miss chatting and he responded that I have to study and that a couple of hours can make a difference. The thing is that this is not helping me at all; I feel he is distant and as much as I want to believe that the reason is because he does not want to be guilty of me failing the exam, I worry and can’t concentrate when I study. Do you think I am worrying too much and he is doing the right thing? Thank you
Yes, I do think you are worrying too much. As you and your husband get older, you have more responsibilities and less time for emailing and chatting. That happens to just about everyone. It is very unusual for partners to be in touch 5 or more times a day.
Both of you need to be free to focus on your studies or work. With so many years of history, you and your husband should be able to relax in each others’ love and support and not need constant reassurance. That is what it means to trust.
I understand that you and your husband are trying to maintain connection despite living separately. I suggest that the two of you agree to a “check in” time each day to chat with each other and share what is going on in your lives. Let’s say the two of you decide that from 5:00 – 5:30 each afternoon is “couple time.” Having the certainty of a time when you will talk or Skype would let you focus on your studies during the day. If you think of things you want to share while you are studying, write them down and save them for your check in time.
Your husband will be home in a few months. I imagine you both want to have a strong academic and occupational foundation for your life together. You will bring more to your marriage if you pass your exams. If you think about your studies as a contribution to your marriage, you may be able to focus.
I wish you well. Dr, Maire
Husband Is Distant
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Husband Is Distant. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/11/26/husband-is-distant/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.