From the U.S.: I don’t know who I am, where I am going, or why I am here. I was raised in a strict christian family. I don’t believe in christianity, or religion. I do believe in a god however.
I know something is wrong with me, I just don’t know what. I feel different than everyone else I am around. Every relationship I have had has either been unenthusiastic and has failed because of my disinterest or has been all consuming and has burnt out with a horrible end.
I don’t believe people understand me. Half of the time when I try to explain my feelings people do not understand my thought process or where I come from. Often I feel as if my surroundings are not real, that I am not real, that nothing is real. Nothing is tangible.
I self harmed in high school some, which I find stupid and unhelpful now. I often make risky decisions ex: drive too fast on the wrong side of the road on a country road at night. I like to smoke and drink, but addiction has never been a problem what so ever. I crave human connection. Not just physical, but I crave someone who can understand who I am, my thoughts, where I come from. Being alone, is unimaginably painful. I wish i was better at being alone.
I feel like I am working toward nothing, that none of this matters because none of it is real. Nothing is real. We are all caught up in someone else’s dream. I have been to therapy for two separate things. First in high school, none of it helped. Second once last year in college. My friend passed and I thought it would help with the grief, I was wrong. They don’t understand… no one understands. Who am I?