I’m an Education graduate Cum Laude and currently working as a BPO agent. I recently decided to continue to Law primarily to achieve my dream of being a lawyer but mostly to cure my academic insecurity. I think my cousins and friends landed a better course and better job. I ended up working in call center since I hate teaching. I only took up teaching because my mom says so. So, lately I had problem cooping up with school and work. I hate my work, I don’t like the way they do things there. I thought we should be working with integrity but all I can see are the opposite. Then I messed up school. So not like me. I ended up not reading my books, cases or not doing assignments because I cant fit my time to do work and school. I used to multi-task way back college, both working two jobs and studying.
Then last week, I broke down, I didn’t attend school, I missed my projects, I miss work. I cried all day, I throw all my books. I blamed myself for being irresponsible, worthless, dumb (well I think I am a total failure ) and keep asking why do I keep on pushing something that I cant. I even ended up noticing my room as ugly as hell and wish that I can find another that will suit me well. I loss all the confidence I had, I just want to evaporate or disappear. I sometimes thought of killing myself but cant find a way on how. I don’t want people to see my body and ended up being the talk of the city. I don’t want people to notice me, I just want to be alone and do things the way they should be.
Then I started being quiet, so opposite of me being happy and talkative. I use to have a lot of friends now only I a few that I want to talk to. At work, I seldom talk to my workmates but I still respond they way a normal person do. Back at home, I just sit quietly, staring at the wall, thinking of how mess up my future now is and how hopeless I am now. Then I took up a test here and got a result of severe depression, what a shocker (sarcastically speaking). I no longer love myself, I don’t want to do things anymore, I just want to rest and not think of anything. Can I do that forever? (From Philippines)