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My Boyfriend Becomes Very Controlling when Angry

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From Greece: I’m 20 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year. He’s really nice, sweet, caring, faithful and I know he loves me more than anything. He’s the ideal partner.

However, when he gets mad, he yells at me, calls me names, and he has hit me (that was long ago, though). He doesn’t get angry often, but when de does and yells at me, he doesn’t allow me to raise my voice or even speak and threatens me that if I do, he’ll hit me. He tells me that “we are not the same” and “I should know my place”, and that when he gets angry, there’s always a reason.

I don’t mind him getting angry or yelling at me, after all he’s human, but I think it’s completely absurd to expect me to just “lower my head” and listen to him when he treats me like this. I told him that I feel like he doesn’t consider me as human being when he acts like this and he responded “Accept it or leave”. Not once has he apologised for yelling, threating or hitting me, because he says I had them coming and I made him do it.

When my parents argue, my father always does the yelling and my mother just sits and listens. So, perhaps that’s how men are? And doesn’t everyone have flaws?

Generally, I’m very happy with him, he treats me so well and I feel very lucky to have him. I love him very much and I know he does, too. But: Is this something I should accept or not?

My Boyfriend Becomes Very Controlling when Angry

Answered by on -

A.

Absolutely do not accept this behavior. People who love each other don’t threaten, hit, do name-calling and refuse to take responsibility for their own behavior. Your boyfriend is showing the signs typical of a potential physical abuser- – engaging in a cycle of abuse, sweetness, abuse. He’s already hit you. Since he sees nothing wrong with it, chances are it will only get worse.

Despite your observation of your mother’s behavior, all men are not like this. I imagine that you’ve accepted the mistreatment because you got used to the idea that this is “normal” from watching your parents’ interactions. It’s not normal. It’s not usual. It’s not okay. Get out and make yourself available for a man who is consistently warm and loving and who treats you with respect and tenderness.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Boyfriend Becomes Very Controlling when Angry

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Boyfriend Becomes Very Controlling when Angry. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/11/08/my-boyfriend-becomes-very-controlling-when-angry/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.