Socializing has never been a problem for me. I had a very close circle of friends, and numerous, friendly acquaintances at high school. Having small talk with strangers and making new friends was something I was accustomed with, and had no trouble whatsoever. But after graduating this summer, my social life went down the drain.
Some of my close friends went across the country for school, while few currently go to other local universities. I moved to a city about an hour away and I had a blank slate; a new city and a new school to start anew. And yet, I have not made a single friend. It’s not because I haven’t tried or haven’t been able to, it’s because I don’t want to. There is no sadness or loneliness from my lack of friends, I don’t even feel bothered about it. But what does bothers me is that it’s not normal. I only noticed gradually that I became someone totally different. I was never the anti-social type of person and recently not only have I become anti-social, I’ve become narcissistic and cynical. I believe the narcissism and cynicism came as a result of me being anti-social.
There has been attempts by my peers to seemingly trying to befriend me, but I have shut them all down with meaningless replies and petty answers. I only noticed how rude and insulting I was after they left one by one. As I’ve mentioned, the loneliness doesn’t bother me, but the fact that I’m changing the way I am does. It almost feels like I’m not me anymore. It’s as if through the summer, I went through a metamorphosis, I went from a social butterfly to a introvert caterpillar.
My younger self always thought I would be “me”, uninfluenced by external forces, but it appears that I’m losing the “me” I used to be, and not for the better. Change is inevitable, I acknowledge that now, but the way I am changing feels like I’m devolving, becoming something sinister. As I’ve once heard, “recognizing the problem is the first step to solving it”. I have recognized a problem in me, I’ve become stagnant and pitiful, and yet I don’t know how to solve it. It’s something I should fix alone, but it appears I need a helping hand to lead the first few steps. (From Canada)