I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Suicide should never be a consideration for you or for anyone. All of the problems that you have described are highly treatable with counseling. Many people have experienced or witnessed abuse as children but have recovered from their experiences. You can recover too.
You mentioned relationship problems. In all likelihood, your negative childhood experiences are impacting your current relationships. Once you recognize inappropriate behavior, you can then work to change it. Counseling could help you to make these positive changes. Perhaps your fiancé would attend counseling with you, to support you and to help correct these relationship problems.
You also described experiencing fear and perhaps even depression. These problems are not something that you should accept as your reality. They are highly treatable. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling.
Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that seeking professional help is akin to being a failure. That is simply not true. We are not born with problem-solving skills. These skills must be learned. Some people learn these skills from their parents or other role models, but not everyone has this luxury. Mental health professionals can teach us these important problem-solving skills. It’s the most efficient way to correct life problems. I hope you will consider it.
If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle