I’m having a problem just now that my partner and I get married in 7 months and I’m starting to question if we should even stay together. I told him lies are what hurt me and for our relationship to work he needs to be honest, as I have borderline personality disorder. We nearly broke up a few months ago when I caught him lying and swearing on his life about contacting his ex. It hurt because he lied to my face. We got past it, but now he lies to me at small stuff all the time, he thinks I don’t know but I do and I don’t contronfpt him as we will argue but now I heard him too when he thought I was asleep talking bad about me behind my back, I would never dream of talking badly Of him. He says he’s not allowed to come out to things I’m a ball and chain ..things and events he has never mentioned to me, he also said I was angry and crazy the other day saying he couldn’t go out..a complete lie! I would have been OK with it but he never mentioned it. I’m 8 months pregnant and he said he might be away with friends the weekend it’s due I was upset saying please make sure your not more than a two hrs drive away as I don’t want to be alone and he was nice and supportive, and said ok, but then he’s telling all these lies to his friends saying he will make an excuse and come out anyway. I have said before the baby comes he can go out as much as he likes but once it’s here I would like the support but he can still go out a few times and work something out but instead I’m left alone, In a city where I don’t have friends like he does I’m still trying to meet people, and don’t think I want to be with someone who will talk badly of me to his friends, he should be defending me. Supporting me. I feel completely alone and betrayed by him. I don’t know if it’s just guy talk he thinks is harmless as he doesn’t know I over heard, but it’s not nice, I don’t feel I can trust him anymore. (From London)
This doesn’t sound like a man who has fully committed to you. If he had to be told that he should be there for his child’s birth, and says one thing and does another — this doesn’t bode well for his commitment — not good. Not good boyfriend material, not good fiancé material, not a good potential husband.
I would take his attitude, disparaging remarks, and lying as indicators that he is not fully ready. I would highly encourage you to get some couple counseling immediately. His responsibilities to his child and to you need to be identified, clarified and changed. The question of weather or not marriage is in your future needs to be discussed directly with a professional. Find a couple counselor who can begin working with the two of you as soon as possible. There is too much at stake to just let this go — or hope that he changes on his own.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Fiancé Lying to Me. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/11/05/fiance-lying-to-me/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.