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I Scare Women Away

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From a U.S. soldier: First off… I would specifically like this question to be answered by a woman, if possible. I am 34 years old, and have been struggling with a mental thought for years now (since I was 15). It drains me of my self esteem, it causes me to breath heavily when I encounter it, I’m afraid to travel, or even go on vacation. It’s my encounter with women.

I always seem to get either a horrible beastly face, or like they purposely look away from me. Its worst when there are a group of them. Im not an ugly man, in fact I am pretty hansome, and a beautiful body. Im married to a very beautiful woman who tells me almost everyday that I’m beautiful, but I still struggle with this, because I’ve travelled all over the world, and I get the same reaction from women.

Can you please once and for all, explain this for me, or even give me some exercises to overcome this, as Im tired of living like this. I need freedom from this, it is really starting to drain me.

I Scare Women Away

Answered by on -


Have you ever heard the expression “You get what you expect”? I have a guess that is what’s going on here. It’s impossible to know when this started or why. But I think you may have run into a couple of tactless women who weren’t interested in you and then you developed an idea that you aren’t attractive. The cause is now lost in the mists of the past. But that cause, whatever it was, doesn’t have to inform the future.

First. Listen to your wife. Hers is the only female opinion that matters anyway. She thinks you are beautiful inside and out. Please take a hard look at why you find it necessary to be attractive to other women when the woman you love thinks you’re the best thing going.

That being said: If you need to feel like you can attract women in order to feel good about yourself, here are a few surefire steps:

  1. Observe people who seem to be what you want to be. Note how they stand and move, what they talk about, their facial expressions, and generally how they make themselves approachable.
  2. Copy them. That’s right — be a copycat. Imitation is a form of flattery. It’s also a way to “try on” different behaviors. Try it and see whether being more approachable is really what you want.
  3. Practice makes permanent. Practice those skills at least a couple of times a day. At first it will feel artificial but you will get the hang of it.

Please — Be careful about what you wish for. Think about what you will do if a woman responds to your new persona. Take care of your marriage.

Frankly, I think there are better attributes to hang your self-esteem on — like being kind, honest, a good husband and father, and a positive member of your community. Beauty is, after all, only skin deep.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I Scare Women Away

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Scare Women Away. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 1, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 4 Nov 2015)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.