From a young woman in Ukraine: I’m 19 and have been a pedophile since the age of 12. When I was 2 years old, according to my mother, my two older cousins tried to molest me. I have a strong desire to have a sexual intercourse with a boy as young as 3 – 6 years old, even though I know it will probably traumatize the child.
I was sure of keeping myself in control before I met my 3-year-old cousin. We were standing in a bathroom with lights off when I felt this unbearable urge to touch him sexually. At that time I substituted this action with suggesting wiping his wet hands after washing, but since then I don’t feel confident about holding back anymore.
My parents didn’t believe me. People from my neighbourhood hate pedos, say that all pedophiles are monsters, they all end up hurting children. I hate myself, too. Every time I imagine my future family, I see myself taken into custody after molesting my own kids. It is like the only way for my life to end, if I won’t take it myself.
When I am trying to figure out a solution, I get completely lost, because the reasons for and against molesting a child are all mixed in my head, there are all thoughts of my neighbors, family members, friends, but my own considerations. Sometimes I want to give up holding back and get my hands on a little boy.
Lately I realized: I don’t want any treatment, I want to act on my desires. I want to make a child mine, the cost doesn’t matter. Because doctors won’t give me what I need.
That is the problem, I am between what I must do and what I want to do.
Thank you in advance.I Hate Myself for Being a Pedophile
I Hate Myself for Being a Pedophile
Although you say you don’t want treatment, you wrote to us here at PsychCentral. That suggests that there is a part of you that is hoping we have something useful to offer you. I think I do.
I don’t think it’s useful to label yourself as a pedophile, even though you have such urges. I do think you may be in the grip of a dilemma that started with being molested.
Some kids who have been traumatized come up with the idea that there are only two ways to be in a sexual relationship: Either be the victim or the victimizer. They know how terrible it is to be the victim. They are horrified by the idea of being a vitimizer. Their minds ricochet back and forth between those too awful positions — terrified victim or terrible victimizer. They don’t understand that there is a third alternative; that they can learn to be in a loving, mutual sexual relationship.
I think you were more traumatized by the molestation than you realize and that your impulses are a consequence of that experience. Fortunately there is treatment for that. You are only 19. You need and deserve treatment so you don’t give in to your impulses and damage a child and end up in prison.
Please find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of trauma. Be honest about your feelings and take your therapy seriously. It can change the course of your life.
I wish you well.