Although you say you don’t want treatment, you wrote to us here at PsychCentral. That suggests that there is a part of you that is hoping we have something useful to offer you. I think I do.
I don’t think it’s useful to label yourself as a pedophile, even though you have such urges. I do think you may be in the grip of a dilemma that started with being molested.
Some kids who have been traumatized come up with the idea that there are only two ways to be in a sexual relationship: Either be the victim or the victimizer. They know how terrible it is to be the victim. They are horrified by the idea of being a vitimizer. Their minds ricochet back and forth between those too awful positions — terrified victim or terrible victimizer. They don’t understand that there is a third alternative; that they can learn to be in a loving, mutual sexual relationship.
I think you were more traumatized by the molestation than you realize and that your impulses are a consequence of that experience. Fortunately there is treatment for that. You are only 19. You need and deserve treatment so you don’t give in to your impulses and damage a child and end up in prison.
Please find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of trauma. Be honest about your feelings and take your therapy seriously. It can change the course of your life.
I wish you well.