I believe your symptoms are real and I do not believe that you have deluded yourself. Your symptoms might be indicative of bipolar disorder. That would explain the instability in mood and behavior. The best way to determine a diagnosis would be to undergo a mental health evaluation.
You have engaged in self-harm and have seriously considered ending your life. Self-harm and suicidal ideation are always concerning and indicative of someone who is suffering. It’s abnormal to harm yourself or to want to end your life. These thoughts never cross the minds of happy people.
It’s good that you seem to be open to seeking help. I would highly recommend it. Mental health professionals are trained to deal with the very problems with which you are struggling. There’s no reason to wait any longer to receive help. Counseling and medication could reduce or possibly even eliminate your symptoms and help you live a better, happier life. I hope you will consider seeking help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle