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I Want to Feel Depressed, I Want to Be Mentally Ill

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For over a year and a half now, I have been feeling that something is wrong with my life. I have searched for my symptoms all over the Internet, and succeeded in applying several diagnoses for my mental state, but neither of them seemed to fit perfectly. So, in order to be able to fit into any of these diagnoses, I started to mimic their symptoms. For instance, I forced myself to feel bad and to think myself to be worthless. The problem is that I succeeded so much in these attempts of mine that right now I cannot tell what are my real symptoms and what are those faked by my behavior. I think this might have a connection with the fact that I often lie, misdirect and manipulate people: several of my past friendships have ended in tragedy as they stated that I’m a manipulative and unemphathic person. I have to agree with them. I consider myself to be a worthless, evil man, and I often feel down in the dumps (aside from the occasional elevated states, which I’d say are much like manic episodes, only shorter and lighter). I also think that I’m quite impulsive, and I want to think that I see the world in black and white, just to be able to say that I have BPD. The problem is that I cannot tell if any of these aforementioned symptoms are real or just the products of my mind. I am also unaware of the reason I long to be mentally ill. Maybe it’s because I want to fit in a group, maybe it’s because I want to be loved and treated. I do not know. Nevertheless, I still have my concerns whether I am really ill, or if I only pretend to be. This is the main reason I’m yet to visit a therapist with my problem; this and the fact that I also doubt that I would be able to list my symptoms accurately, as I am sure I would exaggerate and come up with some fake characteristics in the process. So my question would be: whether I’m ill at all or not, and if I indeed have mental problems, what they might be and whether I should bother a therapist with my problems or not. (From Hungary)

I Want to Feel Depressed, I Want to Be Mentally Ill

Answered by on -

A.

It is too difficult to know whether you are suffering from malingering, Ganser’s Syndrome or a type of pseudo-dementia. However, the desire to fabricate a mental illness — and then losing the capacity to know real from created symptoms sounds serious. I highly recommend a meeting with a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. Individuals with this degree of training are usually able to make a distinction. This can be helpful for your treatment.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Want to Feel Depressed, I Want to Be Mentally Ill

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). I Want to Feel Depressed, I Want to Be Mentally Ill. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/10/09/i-want-to-feel-depressed-i-want-to-be-mentally-ill/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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