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Home » Ask the Therapist » I Can’t Find My ‘Type’ in My New City

I Can’t Find My ‘Type’ in My New City

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From Taiwan: I used to live in one country, and it didn’t have opportunities for my career so I relocated. But in that country, I could go outside and easily find my “type” of girl I’m attracted to. It gave me motivation to improve myself as a man, and hope of finding my type of girl. It made me feel alive.

Now I live in a different country that has more opportunities for me, but I so rarely see my type of girl here. It’s something about the people’s eyes, skin and dress here that I’m not attracted to, and it makes me lack motivation every day. In essence it’s like I don’t really feel so alive here, but I know the most important thing for a man to concentrate on is his purpose and career. I just can’t stop having this feeling! It makes me feel bored, whereas in the other country I felt daily challenges (ie: to ask out some girl I find attractive).

I am trying to figure out if the problem is within my mind. I can’t change what I find attractive, and I don’t know how to get used to being in a place where my eyes are not stimulated in this way. Also I’m single and only approach a girl I really find attractive — but I’ve gone months without finding someone like that here, even though I see thousands of faces daily while I constantly circulate in the capital city.

I can’t find anyone who is struggling with such a problem, since most people don’t live abroad as I do. I’d appreciate any advice!

I Can’t Find My ‘Type’ in My New City

Answered by on -

A.

I agree. The problem is in the mind, not in the people you are meeting. It’s interesting to me that you have created an idea that you can have either career opportunities or attractive women. In your former country, you got affirmation from the pursuit of women. In this country, you get satisfaction from work. This is simply not a reasonable position.

I suspect that you are having a more difficult time adjusting to your new country than you are admitting. It’s possible that you have compartmentalized your anxiety and uncertainties into this one issue. By “blaming” other people for not being your type, you avoid having to deal with your own lack of confidence. Perhaps?

I think your feelings are telling you that, at 30, it’s time for you to bring your work life and your social life into balance. There are beautiful people everywhere. Look beyond your prejudices. Pursuing your “type” didn’t result in finding a life partner. It’s probably time you changed your criteria.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I Can’t Find My ‘Type’ in My New City

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). I Can’t Find My ‘Type’ in My New City. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/10/02/i-cant-find-my-type-in-my-new-city/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.