I suffer from trust issues. I tend to be afraid of everyone, question their motives and avoid engaging in social situations with people I haven’t known for a long time and therefore feel comfortable with. I think my relationship with my mother makes things worse. She keeps giving me advice and gets mad if I brush her off. Most of the time, she tells me to be careful, don’t come back late at night, don’t go into other people’s houses, don’t believe what everyone is saying. It makes me feel useless and stupid, like I can’t take care of myself. It also makes me second guess all my emotional attachments. As it is, I have never been in a relationship, because I never trust the men that try to ask me out. I am not particularly anxious about not being in a relationship but I do wonder whether or not I just don’t need a partner right now, or it is a self-imposed independence search. I understand the fact that my mother, like all mothers, is worried. She is also an anxious individual in her day to day life. However, she makes me anxious as well, up to the point where I fear getting hurt or running into problems, not because I’m trying to take care of myself, but because I’m afraid she will say “I told you so”. How can I make myself take her comments more lightly, but maintain my good relationship with her. With my father having died a year ago, I feel like we both need each other more than ever. I just wish she understood she is just worsening my already conflicted mental state and that at 22, it is far too late for her to try to dictate my social life. She warns me about the world being a dangerous place, then makes fun of my hermit status and lack of extended social circle. (From Romania)Trust Issues & Mother Daughter Bond
Trust Issues & Mother Daughter Bond
You need a plan to individuate from your mom during this time of transition following your father’s death. Her anxiety sounds like it is fueled by her natural concern for your well-being — but with a heavier dose of anxiety and worry than may be healthy. I’d recommend putting a plan together that allows you to develop relationships with your peers to balance out your mother’s influence. If it is at all possible, I would make the goal to become independent financially and emotionally. You need to be less dependent on your mother and more reliant on yourself. Perhaps picking a date in the future — a year from now let’s say — might be a way to begin the process.