I feel like I’m a somewhat normal person. I’m too scared from social anxiety to ever try to be “out there”. Despite that, my mom always looks at me with distaste. She once took me out with her to go shopping, and when I brought clothes to the changing room, she looked at me like I was crazy for wanting to buy anything (why bring me shopping if she doesn’t want me to get anything???). She doesn’t like when I spend money, even if it’s not her money. She doesn’t like it when I wear shorts(even in the summer heat), or anything semi-nice, I feel like she is slut-shaming me with her eyes, and I don’t even dress inappropriately because of my issues with my body.
It really doesn’t help with my image of myself when she looks at me like that. It makes me really self conscious. It’s also depressing, because she isn’t very supportive. She doesn’t like spending money on us, so whenever I ask her about something, she gets annoyed. I almost feel bad to ask her for something like a new pair of shoes, because mine has holes and I can’t afford new ones.
I just today asked her opinion on me going on gap year to a different country. I didn’t mention this part, but school has got me really down, almost to the point of not wanting to BE anymore. I just want a break, and I was planning on using the money my grandpa gave me, and getting a job. However, after asking, she just kept trying to discourage me while looking like she was angry at me for asking. After that, I went back to my room and had a huge panic attack where i couldn’t breathe and felt numb and like I was going to faint.
It’s this kind of lack of support that makes me scared to tell her that I have problems like depression and anxiety. Actually, I told her about anxiety, she told me to find out whats wrong and fix it. That didn’t really help. She’s the only parent I can confide in, because i’m terrified of my dad, yet I feel like I can’t talk to her without being judged and shamed. What should I do?