Reading your question breaks my heart for all of you. Your mother’s depression is not your fault. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are good enough. Depression is a real issue that no one can cause someone else to have. Would you blame yourself if she was diagnosed with diabetes?
Losing a child is one of the hardest things people can go through and it sounds like what may have started as grief, or post partum depression, has turned into clinical depression and anxiety. These disorders can affect your not only your mood, but also sleep, thinking, energy level, and even how someone perceives the world. As hard as it may be, you have to not take the things your mother says or does (or doesn’t do) personally. It is about how badly she feels and she may be projecting this onto you without meaning to do it.
You should not be taking on adult responsibilities within the house. It’s one thing to do some chores and help out, but it’s another to run the household. You need to focus on school, friends, hobbies and age appropriate activities. It is not your job to take care of anyone else.
I strongly suggest that you ask to go to family therapy. This is all too much for you to handle without an ally and guide. A therapist can help rebalance the family and provide a safe place to talk about feelings. All of you would also benefit from seeing someone individually as well. Talk to your father about therapy soon, and if you need some extra help with this, you might consider speaking with your school counselor or doctor first.
You are a strong, caring person. You are good enough just the way you are. But, it’s time to be a kid.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts