I have been in this relationship for almost a year now and I am currently struggling with my bf insecurities. He thinks he is short, not attractive enough and that he is not considered a man in the outside. I knew from the begining of the relationship so I went great lengths to boost his trust (without him knowing I know his insecurities). I had no result whatsoever. Lately I have found a forum where he is posting and saying that there is nothing more “soul crushing” than to be a manlet. Problem is his insecurities affect me too. I am hurt that he feels this way, I am sad and I feel I don’t suffice. Even worse, I can’t trust him and I feel the need of snooping–only sometimes– to make sure he doesn’t do something harmful to us. Now I want to help him overcome these insecurities, but I am aware I might never could. I tried to explain to him that he is really not short 5ft8 and that I don’t see him like that and that he should accept him and play the card he is being given. IT doesn’t work he says he accepted it but he will always hate his height. I really want to know an expert opinion in regard to what should I do next. Should I accept his insecurities and back away? Should I get angry and tell him to man up and focus on other aspects in life? And moreover how can I stop his insecurities to affect me? (From Romania)
It’s time for a real change. The fact that this has gone on so long and that you are in orbit around his insecurities isn’t healthy for either of you in the long-run. He sounds quite invested in his perspective. The way to go forward is to take care of your side of the relationship. This means letting him know how difficult it is for you to continue coping when he is so insecure.
I don’t think you’re the person who can help. He needs to deal with this on his own. If you try to help it puts you both in the position of being imprisoned by his insecurities. It is also intriguing that he is choosing a characteristic that isn’t going to change so that he can lament about it. This is something he needs to cope with on his own. You can be supporting — but you are not the one who can fix this.
Finally, according to Wikipedia the average height for a man worldwide is 5’7″. While he may not like how to he is — he is actually taller than average.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). How to Deal with Partner’s Insecurities. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/09/23/how-to-deal-with-partners-insecurities/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.