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My Friend Left without a Goodbye

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From a 25 year old woman in India: Known the guy for 15 years, a real solid friendship where we discussed everything, but he left the state without goodbye. We shared everything with each other, our hopes ambitions, embarrassments, secrets, sexual promiscuity and weaknesses. I was always the shoulder to cry on when the series of unending girlfriends that waltzed through his life left their sting behind, late night calls, pit stops at my place despite my parents, I was there for him when I needed me the most. I nursed him through his rather troubled engagement much to his parents relief.

All our mutual acquaintances were surprised to know that we weren’t dating but I was happy for him and with our late night wanderings sharing our lives together. Then he suddenly left the state without telling a soul, confidently and quietly he slipped out of my life, the only notification I got was an update on a linkedin profile. No more monthly phone calls, no more bi annual meetings, my platonic pal has officially left the building and is unlikely to return.

I decided to give it one last shot and call him on his old number but was confronted with cold indifference as though I was bothering him to fix something, when all that while I had been mending his broken heart. It hurt and I abruptly and admittedly rather ungracefully ended the conversation.

Truth is I still miss him. Now he’s gone there is a void and a silence that is rather hard to fill. My parents tell me he’s not worth it and I should move on, blocking him out of my life and making new friends. I suppose they’re right. I underwent a rather serious bout of depression and my co workers attributed it to boy friend problems, though it was not. What am I to do, I think of him nearly everyday and fear that the platonic passion is turning into an unhealthy obsession. I am even finding myself singing “I don’t know how to love him” and “think of me” among other songs of unrequited love from time to time. There is no closure and I’m rather confident that it isn’t unrequited love, or is it? Help. What am I to do?

My Friend Left without a Goodbye

Answered by on -

A.

15 years? That means this relationship started when the two of you were only 10. No wonder he is so important to you! You saw each other through the ups and downs of adolescence and early adulthood.

It’s possible your friend realized that an unhealthy lack of balance in your relationship had developed over time, but he couldn’t figure out how to revise the terms of your friendship any way except to leave it. It’s sad he couldn’t talk it out with you. I’m sure it has felt like a betrayal and a huge loss. The way he left leaves it to you to find closure on your own. I hope you can find a way to honor the long friendship you had while also acknowledging that growing up sometimes means growing apart.

It’s likely that the exclusivity of the relationship meant that you didn’t develop the social circle of good friends that you need. You spoke of acquaintances, not friends. I hope you can develop some of those relationships into a friendship circle.

Yes, you’ve been left with a hole in your life but such holes are also opportunities. Your friend was never going to become your partner even though he was filling your time and your emotional life.

Please make yourself available and start dating. Find a man who isn’t looking for a personal therapist but who can love you and cherish you from a position of equality and respect, not neediness. You deserve to have such a man in your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Friend Left without a Goodbye

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Friend Left without a Goodbye. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 11, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2015/09/08/my-friend-left-without-a-goodbye/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.