For years now, I’ve been feeling hate towards everything, people, myself, live, friendship. I feel like I hate everything to the point where my chest literally hurts and want to rip my heart out, I unwillingly find myself constantly fantasizing about breaking someone’s bones simply because they got in my line of sight or to set the world on fire just to see everyone and everything burn and scream in pain and desperation, or to cut someone simply because I want to see them hate me. I can’t control my emotions with logic like I used to, the thoughts won’t go away. I don’t understand people anymore and I hate them so much to socialize.
Worst part is, my life is perfect, my parents and brothers love me, though I can no longer understand where the line between friend and acquaintance is because I can’t trust them and don’t care if I’m with them or not, nor would miss them If they leaved, I hang with people sometimes though I still think the same things with them so I keep quiet.
I no longer care for life or my future though I don’t feel suicidal, I would prefer if everyone else was in agony (except my family). I just feel tired and want to rest but the school and society don’t wait for anyone nor care, so I have to keep up unable to check on what’s wrong with me.
I was taking Olanzapina and Ziprexa for months because on rare ocasions I couldn’t tell if I was awake or not, hear stuff, saw little black spots passing by, and although my nighmares were scarce, when I had them they told me horrible things and made me want to scream and cry.
I have stopped taking them because I began to feel that way again, I give up and no longer care if I go insane but somehow I feel stuck in the point where there is no going back to normal but not enough to go crazy.
My personality swaps from sorry to murder really easy, I pretend to laugh when I’m with anyone else because not doing so draws attention, either I’m a really good actor or none knows me to see the little changes,its not their fault actually, even when I say I want to set the world on fire, I can make anything sound unimportant.