I know I am introvert type person, but what I’m having trouble with is that I dislike people. I won’t say hate them nor would I wish them harm but I find it very hard to tolerate people…I think people in general are idiots. Because of my generally dislike of people and view that they are all idiots don’t matter if you had higher education everyone is an idiot and people are nasty creatures. It have me worry, I’m unemployed at the moment and when I think about working with people I get very… discourage. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I find making small talk and meeting new people to be very hard. I feel overwhelmed thinking about interacting with other people. I want to but at the same time I don’t, I start to think what would I say, i’ll sound like an idiot, I’m not intelligent person. I also just don’t like being around them, but at the same time I do get lonely and I want company. But when I have company I just them to go away. For the few people I do know personally I don’t really like them that much. That goes with my family also, I love my mother, father and brother but at the same time I really dislike them and would like to be free from them. I have 1 friend that I like but I don’t like hanging out with her too much i feel that if I do I’ll start to dislike her as well. I also worry about become to attach and depend of her. I worry that if our friendship will break apart that we will grow apart and that I will be hurt.
Another thing that I am worry about is that I get depressed, I know I won’t do it just because I think about my family and also that I vow that if I do try again I will succeed. I get sad a lot thinking about how my life is now, about my past of what I did, didn’t do, about my lack in relationship and friendship. I find I wish that I was dead a lot. A lot of time can go by where I’m neutral I’m not happy but I don’t think about being dead or just being gone from everyone be it death or just leaving. I find happiness to be a fleeting emotion that only last a second so most time I’ll say I’m neutral not sad but not happy at all.. But when I do get depressed I will lock myself away in my room normally 3 day sometime my family will drag me out and I will make an effort and spend time with them but I will be upset and hate them, will really want to just be gone. I may go years without doing that but I will think from time to time that I wish I had died. I try suicide about 10 year ago and was hospitalized before that during my high school year I had plan many time how I will end my life and try twice before my last one I think. I’m not worry that I will kill myself but I do worry that I still want to and that I wish that I was dead. I think that I need to get help them but it will pass and I’ll be okay. I also worry that if do try to speak to some in person that I will lie or just act like everything is okay. I also think that other people out that have really worry and that I would be okay I’m made it this far. But I don’t think its health but I’m unsure.
An other thing is my sexuality, I can go years without sex I find that I want a relationship not for any sexualy need but for a companiship. I worry that if I do find someone that I wont be very sexualy active with them. I then worry what if they don’t want sex also because I do want sex but it’s not my driving force on why I want to find someone. I find myself only wanting to be with someone because I don’t want to die alone but I find it hard to think about being with one. I don’t enjoy the idea of being naked in front of another person. I also have an issues of how I dress, I’m female and I love my feminine body but sometime I feel the need to be more boyish. A few years ago i had a problem of wanting to dress like a boy and even wanted to change my name to alex. But I felt incomplete because I didn’t want to be a ftm I wanted to be both a female and a male. Now years had pass and I’m no longer want to dress like a boy but I feel that I am obsessed with making sure that I look like a female. I get a lot of facial hair and I get very upset about it. I was born a female, I have all the parts so I shouldn’t have the facial hair that I do.
I want to know why I am the way I am and if there is any hope to change the way I am. I dislike people, I mean I really dislike people. I like being alone but I also want to be with people but feel overwhelmed.I don’t have a lot of confidence, I wonder why I feel I should be born both as male and female. I worry about my desire of being dead. I want to get help but I don’t know who or where to go. I also start thinking that I shouldn’t that I do have a good life. Its not only that I’m sure if I should a professional but I don’t know if it will help at all with my thought. That is what I am asking should I seek help and will it help?