From Canada: I’ve always felt different, and I’ve hated myself for it, but that’s in the past. And even then, despite hating myself for being different, when other people didn’t understand me, I always thought that there was something wrong with them for not understanding, even more so when they bullied me for it. I have a general dislike for people because of this, and presently, I do not initiate a relationship. I do, however, have healthy relationships with other people, and I keep a close friendship with a few people.
Due to past experiences, I’ve encouraged myself to be more self-centered. The focus on myself have improved my confidence, and I am content with myself. As far as I know, I’ve never been afraid of doing presentations, or standing up at the stage (in fact, the nervousness that I feel before presenting goes away the moment I’m at the spotlight). My self-affirmation is at a point where whenever I see a reflection of myself, I smile and think to myself that I’m really quite good-looking. I do get insecure, but after entertaining it for awhile, I toss it out of my mind.
Yet, I have depression.
Based on what I’ve read on depression, depression and low self-esteem comes hand in hand. Worthlessness, self-loathing, and guilt, all of which are symptoms, yet I’ve never felt those so strongly that they have affected my self-esteem. Worthless? In the grand scheme of things, all of us are, but to those around me? No. Self-loathing? I’m over that. I love myself more than those around me. Guilt? What for?
Yet, still, depression looms over me, and suicide is a daily thought that I entertain. I think of suicide not because I feel worthless or guilty, but because I feel hopeless and miserable. When I’m feeling frustrated, I think of it as a punishment to my parent, a lesson for those that know me, and the idea of how my death will affect my family makes me giddy. But I digress.
Depression is still very real to me, and I definitely dislike how I feel most days. But the question is:
Is it possible to be depressed yet, still, have a high self-esteem at the very same time?