I don’t know who I am or whether I’m still depressed. I have been depressed before. In fact, I had the worst episode of it about a year ago. I couldn’t get up, I wanted to stop existing, I didn’t even WANT to get out of bed. The usual symptoms.
I’ve always been like that, cloudy and blue. Then I got out of an abusive friendship and was really torn up over that for 5 months, crying, distracting myself, writing self threatening poetry.
Now that’s over and I fought my way through. Since then I don’t really.. Feel anything? I’m not sad, definitely. I decided to be happy, but I don’t know that I am. I don’t care about anything anymore. I sleep a lot, I severely undereat, and once an honor roll student, I am academically unmotivated now.
I have spells of existential crises and that might be it. I think a lot,”Why does anything matter?” I feel almost trapped sometimes, like Im supposed to bs a doctor when I grow up, but maybe I want to be a poetess or especially something in psychology. But I think I’m going to just be whatever my parents tell me to be. I let them tell me how to feel anyway. Why not?
I sleep 12 hours at a time, often pulling all nighters. When I don’t, I wake up at 3 pm and maybe eat one thing, not even a full meal. Im not sad, just very unmotivated. I’m a cynical and negative person.
It seems like the only emotion that I do feel is anger. I am irritable and easily pissed off. I harbor resentment and find myself snapping at people.
My friend recently told me I was unfulfilled because I’m not passionate. I don’t live, I just exist. And when school comes back, I’ll just keep existing, doing schoolwork I disdain, going to a college too smart for me so I can become a doctor.
Im cowardly and passive and pathetic and lazy. Is my apathy the newest of my emotional phases in depression?