As you noted, there doesn’t seem to be anything sexual about your fantasy. During the time you pulled out your knife, nothing sexual was occurring. If you had pulled out your knife during a sex act, then sexuality may have been part of your fantasy but that’s not what happened.
It’s difficult to know why you have this fantasy. It might help to think about when you first noticed this fantasy. How did you realize you had this fantasy? Did you pick up the idea from popular media, a book, a movie, or some other source? Were you angry or upset or frustrated or depressed when you first noticed this fantasy?
You might try documenting when it occurs and how you are feeling when it happens. You might notice a pattern and realize that it occurs at very specific times.
The fact that you carry a bladed weapon and have fantasies of slashing people’s throats is concerning. It’s also very concerning that you actually pulled out a knife and seriously contemplated slashing a man’s throat. It is an unusual occurrence in the sense that most people have never taken concrete steps toward committing a murder. Thankfully, you weighed the consequences and decided against it but you can’t be certain that you will always have that level of control.
I would recommend counseling to help you determine the origins of your fantasy. You stated that you have no plans or intentions of carrying out your fantasy but we can’t ignore that fact that you pulled out your knife while having the urge to cut a man’s throat. For safety reasons, you should strongly reconsider carrying a bladed weapon until you no longer have fantasies about cutting the throats of men. You need to be absolutely certain nothing like that never happens again. Counseling can help you maintain and strengthen your self-control. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle