Thank you for writing. I applaud your attitude. There are so many children in the world who need the kind of loving parents you would be. But right now your girlfriend is in mourning. She isn’t ready to think about adoption as an option.
I’m guessing that she put off thinking about having children until she met a guy like you. Now, at 31, she finds that it’s likely she can’t be a birth parent. Like most women, she probably had fantasies about her future children. She is now grieving those children she will not have.
It really is a kind of death.Taking hormones and not telling her family are only signs of the usual elements of grief: denial, bargaining and anger. With help, she will eventually move to acceptance but it will take time.
Unlike other deaths, there are no rituals to help in the process. There is no wake or funeral. There is no grave to visit. Other people often don’t understand.
You aren’t saying anything wrong. You may be saying it at the wrong time. You are moving to what you can do. She needs to first be supported in her grief.
I suggest you encourage her to cry and to tell you about what she had imagined her future children with you would be like. Be sad with her. Think together about some kind of private ritual the two of you could perform to say goodbye to those mythical children. Plant some flowers. Burn a candle. Do whatever would be meaningful to her. Only when she has time to truly accept the loss will she be able to embrace other children; children who need her and who can receive all the mothering and love she can give.
I wish you well.