I’ve been married for 7 years. I’m 31, he’s 35, and our son is 2. Over several months I have lost 40lbs. I was morbidly obese so the loss was/is necessary. My husband is a home body and I am social. We’ve always had this dynamic but it worked until recently. He started telling me he wasn’t comfortable with me going out for drinks with my girlfriends (maybe 1x/month), then I reunited with a friend from high school who has a daughter the same age as my son and we started doing playdates and that became a problem, that progressed to him questioning me on why I was an hour in the grocery store or went tanning after work. I always invite him with me so he knows I’m not hiding anything but he refuses. Over 4 months he has become extremely suspicious which is the exact opposite of his normal personality. I have made some concessions but I refuse to give up friends and the things I enjoy because of his insecurities. The only time we do not fight is when I am home. He has gone through my phone 4 times including text, internet history, and social media accounts, woke up at 3am to go through my purse, shown up at places I was without notice (playground) and said he’s looking for my boyfriend. He has tried getting my text records and blames me that he cannot, accused me of having people over the house after he goes to bed yet I was sleeping next to him all night, and recently started throwing things and screaming during arguments. This problem is escalating and even my friends and family notice. He really does believe I’m cheating but I cannot convince him otherwise. He is losing weight and throwing up from anxiety. For a few days he will be very nice and then he turns into a jealous monster if I suggest doing anything outside of the home. He has always became “depressed” (not an official dx) in the winter but has always and still refuses therapy. He admitted that he thinks I’m more attractive now and it concerns him, but he thinks I’m cheating because of a feeling he is getting. I can’t prove a feeling wrong and I’m won’t gain weight to make him feel better. I want to save my marriage but I don’t know how. (age 31, from US)Husband Stopped Trusting Me for No Reason
Husband Stopped Trusting Me for No Reason
I’m very sorry that your marriage is suddenly in trouble at a time when you have succeeded in a personal goal of losing weight. There is a chance that the two are related on the surface, ie: your husband finds you more attractive and worries others will also. However, there has to be more to the story to cause the level of insecurity that you are describing from him.
He has not only violated your privacy repeatedly without you giving him reason to be suspicious, but he also has evidence to the contrary (finding you at the park when you said you were going to the park, accusing you of being out while you were asleep next to him, etc). And you have a right to have friends and socialize outside of the home, especially if it’s not excessive.
I fear that your husband has crossed a line and needs professional help to get through this, both individually and as a couple. If he continues to refuse this help you may have no other choice than to give him an ultimatum, either he sees someone or you will need to separate. He may need a serious reality check of how much stress he is causing you and leaving him might be the only way to get his attention. I hope it doesn’t come to this but you need to play hard ball and he needs to treat you with respect again.
All the best,
Dr. Holly Counts